*** WELCOME TO MY PAGE *** UNCLE MONTY HAS NEVER SMILED. NOT ONCE. *** DO NOT TOUCH THE HAIR *** THANK YOU FOR VISITING. PLEASE LEAVE. ***
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Uncle Monty's Roadmap
Monty doesn't do roadmaps. Paulie made him. Four phases. One smile. You'll know when.
READ THE ROADMAP »
Uncle Monty
"I have never smiled. Not once."
Male68 years old
LAS VEGAS,
Nevada
United States
Last Login:
10/13/2026
ONLINE NOW!
Mood: unimpressed
Support Uncle Monty
Monty's Espresso Fund.
Any amount. He will not thank you. He will know.
A gift to support Uncle Monty's content. Not tax deductible. Not an investment in anything.
Contacting Uncle Monty
MontySpace URL:http://www.montydontsmile.com
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Monty's Pet
Fredo the goat
Full
Happy
Monty
Ties eaten: 1
Fredo ate Monty's tie at the petting zoo. Monty took him home. Nobody knows why.
Uncle Monty's Interests
| General | Standing in lobbies. Being right. Espresso, black, no sugar, no conversation. The suit. |
| Music | Sinatra, only the sad ones. Dean Martin. Accordion, when it is played correctly. Silence. |
| Movies | The Godfather Part II. Not Part III. We don't talk about Part III. |
| Television | The weather. Wheel of Fortune, with the sound off. |
| Books | The phone book, 1987 edition. My name is in it. |
| Heroes | My barber, Sal. He knows what he did. |
Uncle Monty's Details
| Status: | Single |
| Here for: | Not Friends |
| Hometown: | Brooklyn, by way of the Flamingo lobby |
| Body type: | 6' 5" / Very Thin |
| Ethnicity: | Italian |
| Zodiac Sign: | Capricorn |
| Smoke / Drink: | No / Espresso |
| Children: | Nephews. Many. |
| Occupation: | Uncle |
| Income: | Don't ask |
Uncle Monty's Schools
| St. Anthony's | Brooklyn, NY 1964 to 1970 Graduated: barely Yearbook photo: not smiling |
Uncle Monty's Groups
People Who Don't Smile (1 member)
Tall Hair Society (3 members)
Brooklyn to Vegas Transplants (4,812 members)
I Still Have Her Blender (1 member)
Godfather II Was Better (88,203 members)
Tall Hair Society (3 members)
Brooklyn to Vegas Transplants (4,812 members)
I Still Have Her Blender (1 member)
Godfather II Was Better (88,203 members)
Uncle Monty is in your extended network
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Uncle Monty's Latest Blog Entry [Subscribe to this Blog]
Uncle Monty's Upcoming Appearances
| When | Where | What |
|---|---|---|
| Daily | A hotel lobby on the Strip | Standing |
| Tuesdays | Sal's Barbershop | Leveling |
| Fri 10/17 | Paulie's school play, Henderson | Front row. Not clapping. |
| Sundays | Nonna's | Eating. Being asked why. |
| TBA | Everywhere | The day Monty smiles |
Uncle Monty's Blurbs
About me:
My name is Montgomery Moretti. You can call me Uncle Monty. Everybody does. I don't know most of them.
I am 68 years old. I have never smiled. Not at my First Communion, not at my wedding, not at my divorce. People ask me why. I don't answer them.
I wear the suit every day. It is the only suit. The hair is natural. Do not touch the hair.
I live in Las Vegas. I like espresso, quiet rooms, and people who know when to leave.
Who I'd like to meet:
Nobody. If you insist, someone who can make me smile. Many have tried. My nephew Paulie has been trying for 412 days.
Uncle Monty took a survey!! (Paulie made him)
| Name | Montgomery Moretti |
| Nicknames | Uncle Monty. Mr. Moretti to you. |
| Last time you smiled | No. |
| Last thing you ate | Biscotti. Dry. |
| Last person you hugged | Nonna, 1998. She started it. |
| Coke or Pepsi | Espresso |
| Ever been in love | 1979. She knows. |
| What's under your bed | Dolores's blender |
| Biggest fear | Humidity |
| Do you dance | Only for the internet |
| How do you sleep | Sitting up. For the hair. |
| Ever been arrested | Next question. |
| Which Godfather character are you (quiz) | Got Fredo. Retook it. Got Fredo. |
| Repost if you love your family | I am not reposting this. |
NEW!! GET INTO MONTY'S TOP 8
Monty has 8 friends. One of them is leaving this Friday. It could be you replacing them.
- Do the Monty. Post a photo or video of your best Monty face: no smile, chin up, look down your nose. Suit optional. Smiling is disqualifying.
- Or try to make him smile. Jokes, bits, your nephew in a clown wig. It won't work. The best attempt still counts.
- Tag it #MontysTop8 and tag Uncle Monty.
Every Friday Monty picks one winner. The winner goes in his Top 8 right here on MontySpace, with a personal comment from Monty. Somebody gets bumped. Monty does not explain who or why.
On thin ice this week: Cousin Rocco (owes Monty money)
Free to enter. No purchase necessary. The prize is a Top 8 spot and Monty's grudging acknowledgment, which has no cash value. By entering you agree we can feature your post and photo on Monty's page and socials. Rules
Uncle Monty's Friend Space
Uncle Monty has 8 friends.
Uncle Monty's Friends Comments
Displaying 6 of 6 comments ( View All | Add Comment )
| Lil Paulie | 10/13/2026 9:41 AM UNCLE MONTY SMILE CHALLENGE day 412. told him a knock knock joke. he answered the door and closed it.Monty did not smile. |
| Nonna | 10/12/2026 7:02 PM montgomery u looked so handsome at ur cousins wedding why didnt u smile. call ur mother |
| Sal the Barber | 10/12/2026 2:15 PM Thanks for the add!! the hair is looking tall today monty. taller than usual. im not sure how |
| Dolores | 10/11/2026 11:58 PM you still have my blender |
| The Bellhop | 10/11/2026 4:30 PM sir with respect you are not a guest here. please stop standing in the lobby |
| Monty (Mirror) | 10/10/2026 6:00 AM . |
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